well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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