Your face is a jimmy john
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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