I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
