If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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