worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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