Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
