I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
