I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
