My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Pooping to opera.
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