Don't make out with my wife yet
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
