Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
