well I can't set my house on fire every night
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Randomize
