Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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