if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
