I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
