I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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