tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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