I think I died a long time ago.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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