A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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