When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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