i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
