It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You left your phone here
Wait...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
