I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
