I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
