i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
