good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
