I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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