The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
