My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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