I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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