what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
