Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
