I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
