"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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