Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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