Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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