Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
