Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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