i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
