If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
