you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I came so hard my ears popped.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
