I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
