she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
