I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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