Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
