I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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