Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How does one acquire holy water?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Randomize
