I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
did you just send me my own nude
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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