remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
