Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
